We recently passed the two year mark of Ed’s going home. As I have experienced with all the holidays, his birthday, and his first year marker of going Home, the days and weeks leading up to those actual dates are harder than the specific day. This year was not much different. About a week and a half ago, I came home from my daughters and “back to reality” hit and I felt sad that evening. Nights and mornings seem to be the hardest. All the lies that the enemy has thrown at me in the past, started hurling back in my face. Monday wasn’t too bad and I had received an encouraging note from one of my mother-in-laws which was helpful. On Tuesday night, I was reminded of all the things I do alone. And alone is hard. Especially when my mind starts reeling and I start thinking about friends... and people in general, that have spouses to do all the “things” with and I start to nose dive. Those feelings resurfaced again later when talking with a friend. Honestly... those thoughts are almost always there... there really is nothing to do with the thoughts... they will likely always be there. Point is... all these days leading up to the day are some of the hardest because of what the enemy tries to step in and do when I am unaware, they just appear.
As I listened to this friend share how things were going with her and her husband and what all they had been doing. It was all I could do to keep from running out of the room. Those were also our dreams she was talking about! We had so many plans and dreams for our future... and we could not wait to finally be able to retire and rest together while having fun. We had plans to hop around to our different kids and mooch off of them... lol... not really. We just wanted to go visit for extended periods of time, always landing back home at our cabin in Tennessee. Those were our dreams. The dreams that never came to fruition. The dreams that turned to nightmares. The dreams that I have had to learn to work at trading for His glory to flow out in my life.
Some would say that I had no choice, but I did. I could’ve stopped after the comma. Things didn’t seem fair when I looked around me. The trauma and loss was great. The choice that stared back at me to not go beyond the comma was inviting. There were fears, afterall, that would need facing and who wants to face fears? I could close in and forget the entire world existed, OR, I could move forward and let the rest of the story unfold. For His glory. I know going past the comma means working through those fears that are in my face and focusing my faith in the One who would walk me through them. I have to meet the unfairness of lost love and cast aside dreams that surround me, with the Promises of God instead. I have to mine for Truths of God as if searching for gold. There is a whole stack of feelings trying to lead me but what I need most is to let God lead me and speak to me. There is a necessity to tether my heart to God. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
I one hundred percent thought life would turn out different than it did. The Bible is full of people that probably had that very same thought. Adam and Eve likely thought they would be in that beautiful oasis forever, Joseph was perfectly content tending the flocks every day, Naomi and Ruth never imagined the loss of their husbands, Naaman was sure that the prophet, Elisha, would heal him instantly, Job thought that he would surely die (Job 29:18) … and even Jesus thought and was hopeful that maybe His Father would lift the cup from Him (Matthew 26:39). But each of these servants had a God plan already laid out for them and would come to see their lives would turn out different than maybe they had wanted.
Adam and Eve probably never realized the impact that they had on the world… and that they were indeed the parents of the world. All of creation points back to them. God’s glory. Joseph, after enduring jail and much suffering was promoted to the second highest ruler in Egypt. He still tended flocks… just a different kind of flock… and he saved that very flock from famine. God’s glory. Naomi and Ruth stuck together and a new family was birthed… one that would ultimately lead to the birth of our Savior. God’s glory. Naaman’s flesh was restored, perhaps even made younger than he was… by a prophet that sent a messenger to him to tell him to wash in the muddy, murky Jordan seven times… definitely not instant and definitely not in person, but a testimony nonetheless. God’s glory. Job had lost everything but did not die and in fact God increased twofold all that Job had and he lived to be 140 years old. God’s glory. And then Jesus endured the hardest sacrifice of all, beaten and scorned, broken and bled, he died and rose again for all of humanity. God’s glory.
I could share many other people in the Bible and in all of history that likely had the words, “I thought” fall out of their hearts at some time or another.
“For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34b
It is not that unusual for any one of us to have what we thought our lives would be like turn into something entirely different (Proverbs 16:9). Getting through the different is a lesson in trade. Usually when trading things, I try to get what I want by trading up. It is a voluntary exchange. Something that benefits both parties. Clearly, my original loss of Ed and our dreams is not what I would classify as better, trading up, or voluntary… but I cannot see with God’s eyes… His ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8). Though all the collateral damage through the loss of Ed and our dreams… I would most assuredly voluntarily trade! I guess though, the bottom line is, our dreams and all I thought and planned them to be, do need to be handed over to God for my benefit and His glory. Always. Daily.
Our song was “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship…
“Let 'em say we're crazy What do they know? Put your arms around me Baby, don't ever let go Let the world around us Just fall apart Baby, we can make it If we're heart to heart
And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now And if this world runs out of lovers We'll still have each other Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us
Ooh, all that I need is you All that I ever need All that I want to do Is hold you forever Forever and ever…”
We believed that whole heartedly. When we took our vows, we truly meant them… but we never realized that the “in sickness and in health” or the “till death we do part” section would apply to us until we were at least in our eighties. We were about thirty years shy of that mark when we had to trade our dreams in. Ed certainly got the better end of that deal! Which leaves me to sift through all the other real estate of dreams in my life. I struggled. I still do. Giving those dreams up is harder than I’d like to admit… for a person who doesn’t really like change. But trade them in for His plan, His purpose, His glory, is a foundational and necessary move for me.
Trading my dreams for His glory looks a bit more like “Praise You In This Storm”. Mercy. Raised hands. Praise. Held tears. Torn heart. Stumbling in the wind. Being raised up. Searching. Depleted strength. Thundering. Giving and taking. Lifted eyes. Help from above. Omnipresence surrounding me. Mercy. Raised hands. Praise. Repeat.
I am still not sure what my new dreams will be. I do know that I am closer to God, Jesus and Holy Spirit than I have ever been in my life. I never want to give that closeness up! I know what He is asking of me right now is to be obedient in saying yes as He leads this hungry soul into His dream for me that He has had since the beginning of time. He has gifted me to write. He has me entering challenges to stretch that writing! He has me researching a plethora of things and taking Bible classes. He urged me to write a blog. The most recent thing that He has asked me to do is something that I have never done on a large scale… speaking at a hospice memorial service. Clearly, I have begun to see glimpses of God’s plan coming together out of my fractured life (Isaiah 64:4).
Trading my dreams for an unknown future seems like something the selfish me doesn’t want to do. But in reality, my future before Ed died or before he got sick or before we had kids or before we got married or before I went to college or before I was out of kindergarten was an unknown future anyway! No one ever really knows of their future. Except for the absolute future. If we give our life to Christ... we can be assured of eternity in heaven. So I sit on this precipice of choosing to give those dreams to Him so that I can surrender the control that I thought I had to the One I believe in... the One who truly has the control... the One that will receive all glory as I move myself into the starting gate and run the race for Him. ( Hebrews 12:1 )
One of the ringtones I have on my phone is “Only Jesus.” The chorus goes like this:
” And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy. I don't care if they remember me. Only Jesus. And I, I’ve only got one life to live. I’ll let every second point to Him. Only Jesus.”
And that right there is the bottom line of trading. Every bit of every second... every memory... every future... every Truth AND every dream should point to ONLY JESUS. I want my legacy to be Him. What He has ordained for me, instead of my first dreams will far surpass what I can fathom. My dreams pale in comparison to His. He desires for me to surrender and make myself available to Him. Tether.
So what does God require of me?
SAFE.
Surrender. Available. Faith. Endurance.
He wants me to continue to surrender those previous dreams and even new ones that threaten to overtake me at the door.
He wants me to be actively available by listening for His lead and acting on His call with a resounding yes’ along the way.
He wants me to grow my faith in Truth searching and trusting in Him and His Word.
He knows I will feel heavy at times and wants for me to run that race with endurance as my sidekick.
SAFE.
He knows His plans for me. He keeps me in the shelter of His wings. He draws me close and keeps me safe. As I continue to release to Him, it brings me peace knowing that the blessing is ultimately mine when I cease my struggling. Will I get this right in every moment of every day? Not likely. Sometimes my broken heart and circumstances get in the way of truly feeling it. Flip the coin. Grace and my desire to serve Him whole-heartedly will likely be what helps me cross the finish line while gratefully and willingly handing Him the prized trophy.
So as I approached another marker of two years without my favorite person in the world, I realized that I must continue to raise my open hands to the heavens and wave them about like a giddy school girl that has the exact right answer for her Teacher. A gift for my King… my surrender and my praise. Why? Because I love Him and ultimately, I want and need His new dreams for me if I am going to be able to move forward past the comma, and survive in my mind, heart, and soul. And life… all of it. But even more so… those acts of being “all out” ( A horse who is trying to the best of his ability) for Him are for His glory…always for Him (Romans 8:28)
TRAILBLAZING: When you are ready, take some time to work through these SAFE steps acknowledging His sovereignty with raised hands in worship to the One who loves you more than all.
Surrender your dreams
Be Available
Grow your Faith
Run your race with Endurance
And maybe give a listen to "Make Room" by Casting Crowns. Is there room in your heart for God to write His story when you willingly trade your dreams for His glory?
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