From April 12, 2021...just shy of 4 weeks prior to our loss...
One of my grandsons is quite seriously frightened by the Hoover Dam.
Rightly so.
The Hoover dam stores up to 9.2 trillion gallons of water. The maximum water pressure at the base of the dam is 45,000 pounds per square foot. The concrete at the base is 660 feet thick and 45 feet thick at the crest. It stands 726.4 feet from the foundation to the roadway at the top. For those of you that have been to DC...that is about 171 feet taller than the Washington Monument. The reservoir that holds the water is the largest volume reservoir in the US. It is known as Lake Mead and it has the capacity to contain the average flow of the Colorado River for two years! So much power holding things in place and keeping everyone safe with water and power supplied to millions.
So, rightly so.
If it ever failed...it would be catastrophic.
We trust the dam not to break...but we have all seen the disaster movies. (One of my favorite genres) We just take it for granted that the dam will stay...it will not fail or falter.
Until it does.
The power is phenomenal.
Life these days is kind of like that dam. Cement and steel consists of doing the next right thing...keeping busy...doing what needs done. Building, building, building. One thing after the other. Day in. Day out. Moving forward in function but all the while, holding back the tumultuous raging flood waters of tears. Guarding the inner emotions by blocking them off or ignoring them repeatedly is a daily occurrence by the way of the busyness listed above. The Hoover Dam is guarded by the Bureau of Reclamation Police. Guarded. They guard to protect. We both have the same plan in action. I trust that the dam will stay...it will not fail or falter.
Until it does.
Ironically, the difference between the dams is one does cause a catastrophe if it fails. The other can bring healing if it falls. They are opposite in their final result. One is to be feared. The other is to be embraced.
I have felt my personal dam about to break probably a million times over. It is a fragile hold.
There are few warning signs that a dam is about to break. Whirlpools on the upstream side of the dam. Debris jams. Sloughing... places of deep mud or mire. Dams will usually fail within the first few hours of a breach, but can take up to a few weeks. That is not much notice when the devastation to all downstream will have a great impact on their livelihood for a very long time. It will impact the rest of their lives to one degree or another.
One of the most important actions to intervene with during a failure is to be prepared ahead of time. Have a plan of action because time is of the essence. Stockpiling gravel and sand helps minimize damage till a solution can be formed...if that is possible. Having manuals and information ready at hand can lend to calm in the chaos. Having people prepared ahead of time with knowledge, as well as communication plans in place, is also vital. All of these actions can aid in the repair or at the very least, the evacuation from the danger.
But nothing could prepare me for this...not really. Not when I carried a Lake Mead sized hope.
Breach:
Fast forward to May...
Numb. Lost. Haze. Broken. Shattered. Guilt. Abandoned.
My dam broke. Endless rushing of water and debris.
The dams that cause both devastation and healing.
On May 6th, the love of my life went to be with Jesus. I held him as he slipped away into the arms of Jesus. It was devastating... is devastating.
On May 11th, I laid my eyes on him for the last time.
On May 15th, it was the 16th anniversary of my mama’s death.
On May 2nd, it was the 4th anniversary of my daddy’s death.
I do not like May. At all.
I hate death and separation. Then again... who does not?
Yes, I will see him again... all of them, actually. It does not change the fact of how horrible I feel.
“Like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.” (Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings) And even that seems so insignificant to describe the ache I feel. Alone. Abandoned by those that raised me and planned to grow old with me. The sorrow is great. The despair is overwhelming. The weight on my chest is ginormous. I do not know how I will find my way out of the deep muck and mire of this one.
I have my kids around me. And that means the world to me. It helps to have them near. I know I would not make it without them. And they are hurting too... we need each other during this dark, fierce, raging storm.
I lost my rock... my one true love... my lover... my steady... my everything. The earthly one that held me together through every twist and turn in life. The one whose shoulder I could always lean on and cry buckets of tears with. The one who leaned his head on my shoulder... not enough times. The one who fought a battle so hard that he should have been given the victory here on this earth with the loves of his life... me... kids... grandkids... brothers and parents. The one I loved with every ounce of my heart and yet it was not enough because he deserved so much more. The man that gazed so lovingly at me at the end of the aisle thirty-six years ago... and looked at me that same way every day of his life. The man who often told me, “You are stronger than you think”. The man who taught me so much about God and about living and loving. The man that provided for us and worked hard all his life, devoted to each of us. Everything he did... he did for God and for us. Us. Oh yes... he is my everything. And I will miss him till eternity.
Build
The building of the Hoover dam took five years to complete, but it took thirty years from vision to completion. Plans for a new city, new roads, new rail lines and all things each of those entail had to be dealt with in order for the process to be complete. So much work went into it. So long was the investment of man.
Ed and I had a great relationship that was built one moment in time through many years. Hard times. Good times. Always there for each other. In the mundane and through changes. Through these years, we experienced smaller dam breaches that required repairs from debris, mud, and mire threatening to take us down. But also. There was laughter and love and compassion and passion and fear and celebrations and adventures and comfort and communication and devotion and respect and forgiveness and loss and children and honesty and stability and hardship and trust and value and fun and romance and love and support and hope and strength and prayer and God. And tears. But we built and built and never once stopped. For thirty-eight years, we never stopped.
Until now.
Now the tears flow freely. There is no longer a dam holding them back.
The dam has been breached. Looking back, the signs were there... the swirling whirlpools at the edge... but hope always won out in my head. There was always a hope. “...but God.”
Believe
I loved Ed like no other. He was one cord in a strand of three, intertwined with God and I. Now, God is calling to me over and over again, in my grief, to cast that full deep love into Him...
“Remember that God the Father and God the Son have sent the Spirit to be in you and with you. You are not alone. You have not been abandoned although your feelings may insist that you are. Remind yourself of the truth. You belong to God, and He is providing all you need. When you need a friend to talk to, lift your voice and speak to the Spirit of Christ. He hears you. Don’t rush to call a mere human being before seeking out the companionship and counsel of the One who can guide you perfectly and comfort you thoroughly.”
“When you are in distress and all these things happen to you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice. For the Lord your God is a compassionate God; He will not abandon you nor destroy you, nor forget the covenant with your fathers which he swore to them.” Deuteronomy 4:30-31
Neither of us were away from the Lord. We love Him so much. It is He who brought us together and held us together through all the years! But along with the breach of the dam, the death of Ed, came those old feelings of abandonment. I felt so alone. The waters were unleashed and new paths from the flooding were beginning to form even in the grief and heavy sorrow.
The Lord appeared to him long ago, saying,
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you out with kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3 NASB
He draws us out. With kindness. Should I even hold on to the feeling of abandonment? The God who loves me with an everlasting, eternal, abiding, constant, ceaseless love gives His literal Word of sixty-six books to you and I, His intimate “chosen”, that He will not leave us. While Ed and I built and built, it was only because of God that we had laughter, love, compassion, celebrations, adventures, comfort, devotion, forgiveness, honesty, stability, hope, strength and so much more. I will gain those to an even greater degree as I learn to fully trust His Truth and snuggle up closer to Him than I ever have been. He is my everything.
Would you make Him your everything? I know for some, it will seem hard because of your individual situation. Everyone has varied circumstances within their loss. There are so many different issues that flow from our grief that cause us to grasp at anything to try to save our mind. The swirling whirlpool brings us around and around in an emotional churning that covers our eyes with mud and we are left questioning so much in our despair. I have loved Jesus for most of my life. I have also been challenged through the years with that love. Or even left wondering if I deserve that ceaseless love. Let me tell you now, that ceaseless love for me is what pulls me up from the mire daily and cleanses the mud from my eyes with tears... His tears. Because my friend, He is sad right along with us.
There is a slight difference between the dams. One causes a catastrophe if it fails. But the other can bring healing if it falls. They are opposite in their final result. One is feared. The other is to be embraced.
Both dams have broken. But in the fear of the first, God helps me embrace in the second by sharing His tears with me.
TRAILBLAZING:
Sometimes we just need to cry.
“Jesus wept.” John 11:35
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