I am no victim. I live with a vision
“I am not a victim. No matter what I have been through. I’m still here. I have a history of victory.”
-Steve Mariboli
Songs that get to the heart
Sometimes when I write my blogs, I have a certain song that is stuck inside that is craving to get out through the taps of my keyboard. Today, I have several thoughts and two songs that I will be referring to. I’m dropping a link to them and hoping from the crevices of my heart that you will give them a listen and savor the words on the pallet of your ears and all throughout. The first song is “I Am No Victim” by Kristene DiMarco. The second song is “Psalm 23 I Am Not Alone” by Phil King and Meredith Andrews.
Go ahead and give them a listen, friend… I will wait.
Wow! I just re-listened to them… over and over… and over. I had a mini worship time right here at my desk. Oh how glorious our Father is! My heart just melts in thoughts of how I am not alone and how He has strengthened me to no longer feel like a victim. He is a good, GOOD Father. My heart is on fire and my smile is expanding across my face right now as I tap these words out to you… imagine that! I am here alone currently, my laughter surfaced quite boisterously! I live with a vision AND I am covered by a force of love! I’m fully anointed and my cup is filled from above! Hallelujah!
Victimhood
I have mentioned this before, the very first book that I read when Ed died was The Undistracted Widow by Carol W. Cornish. I believe to this day that this book set me on the right course to living how God wanted me to live coming through the trauma of loss. In her book, Carol shared that every widow should look for a living road map. I knew He was calling me to follow His course for my life. It was His Word that taught me, in time, that while what happened to me with losing Ed… God would not leave me a victim. I certainly felt like a victim a good chunk of the time. I wanted to wallow in private self pity endlessly and exponentially. My family go-to wiser/older people were no longer here. Mama and daddy have a heavenly address and now suddenly… Ed… my greatest love and confidant was gone in the blink of an eye. I felt achingly alone. I daily wrestled with the pain of loneliness and unfairness. I definitely was a victim. Collateral damage from a severed love that fell victim to the casualty of a cancer war. I could’ve easily taken up residence in this victim mentality indefinitely. I thought I had every right to dwell exactly in the middle of the pit and unintentionally ruin my life further in the process. After all, God has always given free will to choose. Thankfully though, I also believe that simultaneously… He relentlessly pursues us with any means He has at HIs disposal… and that is ALL things. He will, without a doubt, get our attention. He got mine.
God had this journey for me to follow. He wanted me to get about fifty miles west of where I was. He had a plan already set to lead me along the way. His plan did not involve me sitting in a pool of muddy, miry, victimhood for an infinite amount of time. He showed me that while Ed did fall a victim to cancer… he actually also rose a victor in that He had walked his own path on the map and had reached his prize… Heaven. Meeting His Savior meant he was free from pain in every sense of the word. That sounds a lot like winning to me! I knew deep within… that was exactly what I wanted and needed. A desire grew within me to rise above what threatened to pull me down and turn these blinded eyes to continue to find His way along the path. To walk the journey that He mapped out for me. Whether I could see it or not.
I Dared to
So I dared to heal. I dared to dream. I dared to dance again. I dared to have a vision. I dared to not be a victim no matter the insults the enemy threw at me. I dared to be tenacious and brave and intentional in seeking out His map for me. I dared to read book after book. I dared to soak up endless amounts of God’s Word. I dared to step outside my door. I dared to do the things my counselor suggested. I dared to even see a counselor. I dared to say, “Yes,” every time He asked me to. I dared to think outside the box. I dared to write. I dared to be a friend. I dared to find a friend or two that also walked the path of loss. I dared to stand. I dared to walk. I dared to speak. I dared to do ALL the hard things. I dared to find myself. I dared to feel found. I dared to care. I dared to hand him my broken heart. I dared to put one foot in front of the other. I dared to think about loving again. I dared to surrender. I dared to praise. I dared to find purpose. I dared to remember. I dared to move forward. I dared to cry. I dared to feel it all. I dared to laugh again. I dared to… dare.
I could go on but you get the idea. I hope you can also see some of yourself within those sentences somewhere. Do you know what the actual meaning of dare is? My trusty Merriam Webster tells me that it means…
“to be sufficiently courageous; to confront boldly; to have the courage to contend against something.”
Dare is definitely the right word for ALL the choices that I was and am faced with everyday. It isn’t about “Truth OR Dare”... it is about “Truth AND Dare.” Seek His Truth… and it will lead me to face all the dares ahead of me. Always. I say always, but have I done that every single time? Have I always met the dare and walked right through it? Well, not always. I’m human… and I’m weak. And life is hard… truly. But in the midst of my weakness His strength comes bursting to the surface in the form of the fountain of Living Water! He gives the courage to dare the dares that He so lovingly portions to me. Out of His plans… His map… His journey for me, comes each and every one of the dares that brought me out of being a victim. Out of even voicing those words anymore. But rather, singing from deep in my lungs to the top of the mountain… to the stretch of the sea…that I am no victim!
The value of a pearl
Perhaps you have heard the specifics of how a pearl is formed. I’m gonna give you a refresher crash course anyway. Particles or irritants, such as sand, enter an oyster through the mantle of the shell. The mantle is a thin layer of tissue that lines the inner part of the oyster's shell. The oyster attempts to protect itself and it produces calcium carbonate or nacre. This nacre begins to cover the particle… layer upon layer… thousands of layers. This nacre layer is the innermost layer of the oyster and has iridescent, light - reflecting properties. After 6 months to about 4 years… a pearl will form. That is a considerable amount of time. It takes a substantial amount of patience to wait for a one-in-ten thousand stunning and miraculous pearl to form. Pearls are not the most durable gem available either. Carelessness can damage them. There are many hazards that can bring them to ruin and dullness. The best way to care for them is to handle them ever so gently, keep them from caustic chemicals, and clean them after wearing them.
How does this pertain to me? Jesus teaches us in Matthew chapter thirteen the value of pearls. He is the Pearl spoken of here. But let's just take a moment and picture us being the grain of sand… we are the descendants of Abraham… as vast as the grains of sand.
Three years ago, I felt so tiny… so insignificant when Ed died. Unloved. Forgotten and abandoned. Ordinary… not unlike the vast numbers of sand I see on any beach… because something devastating happened to me… how on earth could THAT happen to me? I was barely functioning. I had drifted into this dark oyster shell. Trapped… a victim. What I didn't realize fully as the “grain of sand,” I was soon to be transformed into His likeness more than ever before. Before I go on though… I must briefly point out how UNORDINARY a grain of sand actually is! This is a picture of sand from Maui magnified… isn’t it just stunning? And every piece is so completely unique… just like each and every one of us. Our Creator is magnificent!
Ok… back to transformation, as I sat there in this sorrowful mentality, I was completely unaware of His plan for me. The beauty only He saw in me. I couldn’t see it and often felt like I was just existing. But, layer after layer… I was protected and gently transformed. As the layers continued to form around me… I slowly, but obediently waited and moved at the calling of Holy Spirit. He dared me to see the beauty. Like the forming of the pearl, it took me a colossal amount of patience and time with myself, to feel a shift. As of this writing... not publishing... I am about twenty-nine days shy of three years without Ed. These three years have taken a seemingly insurmountable amount of GRACE and RESILIENCE and INTENTIONALITY and TENACITY to get here. I never thought I would say this… but I can finally see the pearl in me on many days. There is a strength about me… but there is also still a fragileness about me that requires I tend to my soul… my very being every day in His Presence.
This fragility prompts me to take notice of the dangers surrounding me that could cause a great deal of damage. Daily, I remind myself that I know my strength is He. I know that He shows me how to continuously care for myself and give myself grace. My growth in Him depends on my awareness that He is with me to keep hazards and carelessness away. There is an amount of sustaining preservation that must be tended to. Against all odds, I must keep daring to… well… just daring to.
Victory-hood
Will you start or keep daring to? Here are four things to focus on during the process of moving out of the victimhood mentality into growth and victory-hood in Him:
ONE
Holy Spirit is our guide. He is our GPS who when we happen to turn on the wrong road or get in the wrong lane, He repeats “recalculating” as often as necessary to lead us in the correct direction. There are several routes to get to one certain point. He has the most direct trajectory laid out for each one of us though. He is always right there to get us back on the right path when we get distracted by all the “oh shiny’s” in our peripheral.
“He has told you, mortal one, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
TWO
He is our Shepherd who comforts and goes before us. Our Defender guides and prevails at doing a good work within us, restoring each out of victimhood and into "victory-hood." He has and will always be the arms that envelop us and walk with us along the waters… the mountains and the valley of the shadow.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”
THREE
His Spirit desires to live and thrive within us, anointing an overflowing, assuring us that we are not alone. We are not alone because He is with us... but we are also not alone in our loss and pain. There are countless others that need Him and His anointing presence in their life. He has implored each one of us to acquaint His compassion and love and guidance with others so they know they are not alone and that Hope awaits at the door.
“Go therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to follow all that I commanded you; and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
FOUR
Every day is new and I really never fully know what path on this journey that Jesus will be leading me on. But with a humble spirit, this I do know…
“I am a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that I may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called me out of the darkness into his marvelous light;... to do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God;... to comfort those that have suffered any affliction, with the comfort I have received;... to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - teaching them to follow what He has taught me.”
I Peter 2:9 & the other three wrapped up in one package.
I dare to have a vision. Do you?
TRAILBLAZING:
God has incredible, miraculous, and surprising things planned for you today. Look for them.
Also… Isaiah 61:1-3 gives us the assurance of healing and prophecy from Jesus...
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the humble; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim release to captives and freedom to prisoners; to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the cloak of praise instead of a disheartened spirit. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
-Jesus (Luke 4:18-21)
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