But I'm also a daughter of the king...
I became a widow in the very early hours of May 6th, 2021. The darkness of the night was accompanied by the soft, white lights that graced the perimeter of the room. I sat with my hubby in our favorite place in our home...the sunroom. Our children, their spouses, and a dear friend surrounded us. Our hearts drained tears as our oldest daughter sang her daddy into heaven.
I don’t really care for the word widow but there really seems to be no other word for it. It is now what I am. Merriam Webster says there are 27 Synonyms or near synonyms for widow. Almost all of them are words like “helpmate”, “companion”, “soulmate”, “spouse”, and “old lady”. Most all of these indicate that there is still another human, my husband, present in my life. He is no longer here. And while at least half of my life is likely behind me...I will probably never consider myself an “old lady”. Though, let me tell ya, there are days.
Two other words that I found on dictionary.com were “relict” and “dowager”. Relict means, “a remnant or survivor”. I look at the word remnant and that just feels like something left over from something that was. It feels negative. Like a piece of cloth ripped from a beautiful garment. Leftover. Though when I dig a little deeper and look at it through the heart of Scripture, I see countless times where remnant refers to something good. Something that God saved or set aside with grace. The remnant holds a special place in the heart of God. I hold a special place in God’s heart. Each of you holds a special place in the heart of God. His Word assures us that beautiful things can be fashioned from a remnant.
In Isaiah, the remnant will truly rely on the Lord. He who has carried us since birth will continue to carry us, and bear with us through our graying years. (Isaiah 10:20) (Isaiah 46:2-4) In Jeremiah, the remnant is gathered back to its pasture to be fruitful and multiply. (Jeremiah 23:3) In Zechariah, the remnant will yield fruit and produce and will have peace. (Zechariah 8:12) Zephaniah gives a beautiful picture of how precious the remnant is, as He will never leave us. The remnant will find refuge and not be frightened. (Zephaniah 3:12-14) That sort of remnant does not feel so negative to me at all.
Dowager means, “A woman who holds title or property from her deceased husband, especially the widow of a king, duke, etc.” I am an avid watcher of “Downton Abbey” and I absolutely love Lady Grantham. She is my favorite! Her little quips such as “What is a weekend?” or “Don’t be a defeatist dear, it’s very middle class.” or “It’s the job of grandmother’s to interfere.” keep me laughing throughout. Her character is so strong and beautiful. I also hold property like Lady Grantham...nothing as grand, of course, that was provided by my husband and while I like to refer to myself around here as queen, I am not royalty by any stretch.
Or am I? I am a daughter of the King. Psalms 45:10-11 tells me,
“Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say... your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.”
Psalm 45 is a wedding song. A royal wedding song. It is a beautiful picture of God’s infinite nobility as our King. The King of all kings. We are His daughters. Collectively, we are His bride. He sings songs over us! I don’t know about you but when I think of my daughters and all that each of them are growing through...my heart extends to them in a way that is reserved only for them. There is a special connection. A deep love. God holds me (and you) right there. His daughter. And yes, also a widow.
Let’s peek at Psalm 146:9;
“The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.”
This is just one verse in a sea of many verses speaking to all the peoples that have found favor in the eyes of the Lord. He sets prisoners free, He gives food to the hungry, He gives sight to the blind and lifts up those that bow down to Him. But besides the obvious turning of my head to this particular verse, God gave me more.
On one particularly tough week for me last fall, I started having some pretty nasty tooth pain. A little background...I hate...no, loathe going to the dentist. As a kid, not even the hopes of picking something out of the little treasure chest ever enticed me to be comfortable visiting that big man that scraped at my teeth and had a terrible sounding drill. I have had a very low tolerance for pain in the dental department ever since. Obviously... I go as little as possible. Unfortunately, over the past few years, my teeth have had some challenges. I have broken a few. I did nothing. I had to search for a new dentist because ours no longer took my new insurance. I was feeling overwhelmed, as I often do. I looked at the long list of dentists that did accept my insurance. How would I choose? So I stopped, backed up, and narrowed my location to 3 choices for starters. Three tabs open on my computer. I started reading their profiles...and was immediately drawn to one dentist that raises awareness and funds for Leukemia... and Lymphoma. I had found my new dentist.
I called. Would you believe they had a cancellation and could fit me in that very afternoon? I was briefly taken back...I was not prepared for that. Somehow, “Yes, that will work” slipped out of my mouth. My first thought, I needed to wash my hair. As I soaped it up in the sink...my tears streamed. They started out as fear tears but somewhere in between shampooing and conditioning, the tears transitioned to, “I no longer have someone else to take care of...Ed is not here anymore for me to be his everything...it is now time for me to take care of myself.” The tears flowed deep...the realization that I really already knew, had dawned on me in a new way...and it made me so sad.
I was scared.
My youngest has a great heart and understood the enormity of what was facing me, so he rode along to my appointment. While he waited in the car...I waited in the office. Something miraculous then happened. I was at peace from the moment I stepped over the threshold belonging to the big guy with the drill. God was near. He stayed near me the entire time. I was calm and even. After x-rays and an exam, it was determined that I needed several fixes. I walked out with a pain script, an antibiotic script, and an appointment with an oral surgeon. Sigh.
The week dragged on and the pain in my tooth lessened. But the antibiotic wreaked havoc on my GI tract. I was immediately taken off of the antibiotic and told to visit my PCP. Double sigh. Haven’t been there in a long time either. And new insurance. I couldn’t get in because they had a doc call in sick and they were rescheduling patients. I called the dentist back and they said I could wait and see if I would be better in 24 hrs. If not, off to the med center I would need to go. They also gave me a refill on my pain meds. I would have to drive into town to pick it up before I left for Indiana.
We are now up to Friday in the week. The emotions of those past 5 days caught up with me. I continued to feel sad with nasty icing on the top thinking about all my health going forward. And how Ed was not here and would not be here to go through things with me, like I had done with him. It wasn’t supposed to all go down like this...we had another plan. I do not like this new plan. Who would? I sometimes wonder why my ‘stronger than me’ husband was taken to heaven and I was left here to fight it all out. Don’t get me wrong...he is in a better place and is out of pain. I am grateful for his freedom from pain...but my big God that I give praise to, could easily have done that for Ed on this earth. Or, He could have taken me instead. As I drove to town...the tears streamed and would not stop. The sadness rested on me like the shadow of a thousand dentists huddled over me ready to go to work.
As I was nearing my stop...I started to pass a slower vehicle on my left. His license plate caught my attention. I slowed to get a second look to make sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me through my tears. It was that unusual. And the timing? Impeccable. A miracle really. I followed this vehicle the rest of the way to the stoplight. I sat there and stared. Thinking. There was no doubt the message was for me. The plate simply read, “SUSTAIN”. I started thinking about what this word means. What did it mean for me? What I know about sustain is to hold something...like the pedal on a piano holds a note so that it continues to resonate the sound...it holds.
The light turned. He went one way and I went another. I retrieved my pain killers ( Is there a pain killer for the heart?) and turned the car around and headed home on the same path. Crying. Again.
I am a widow.
Sustain.
TrailBlazing:
Sit with the word “widow” for a while through your prayers. Because while it may seem like the worst thing that could happen to you… and it is one of the worst… the King has His eye on you and you have found favor with Him. He will sustain you.
And see your dentist. ;)
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