Warning: This is a raw and real post… but vulnerability…
The following is about thirty-six hours that amounted to a challenging and growing time period for me. One more notch in my journey, showing me that Jesus continues to be involved in my life to a degree that, unfortunately, I don’t notice on many days. But proof nonetheless.
I will spare all the details leading up to the night that felt so dark and give you all the good, aside from my initial despair. I think that is important because we all have times of despair that are greater than other times and we need to be able to be vulnerable...because being vulnerable is truth and courage... and we could all use a lot of that in our lives. I know I do.
I will start by sharing that my eyes hurt so bad from all the tears I shed… I could barely see straight... though the Lord continued to help me type every letter and even chuckle at the word “notch”. When I wrote that word, I wondered what exactly is the meaning of “notch”? I looked it up. The second definition was, “a deep narrow mountain pass”. Of course it is! Thus the chuckle. I love it! A perfect word. While in that notch, feeling so alone, desperate, and tired in the middle of the night, around 2am, I sent a friend this desperate message...
“My heart aches. It hurts very much and I wish more than anything that I could be with my husband right now. I get so tired of living. So tired. I lifted something very heavy off the floor tonight. It hurt me across my chest physically, and I don’t care if I die. Everyone could stop worrying about me...and having me as a burden all the time. I love my family, and I love my friends, but I very much dislike my life still. [Because no Ed] I am so tired of the everyday struggle. I try to move forward and do things with my writing, but I feel so stupid somedays. Who do I think I am? Why am I doing this? I want to drop it all and run away. I know I am writing all this after a very emotionally charged evening...but it just hurts so completely.”
That is the nutshell version. Yes, it is raw. But it is real. Getting it out to a trusted friend helped. I never fell asleep until after 3am. It was a short night. Thus, my eyes were crazy the next day.. I was actually surprised I didn’t have an ocular migraine! I walked through that next day in a haze, trying to process through. I had cried the night before while pouring my heart out to my friend, but I had mostly not shed another tear since. I just felt an unbelievable weight and fog all around me. In the afternoon, I left to take my son to work. My head just wouldn’t stop mulling over things. It was on repeat. The radio was on. I just kept thinking about how NOT worthy I was to be writing and how much I wanted to “run-away”. Let me tell you, if I didn’t have a teenager in the house still...I just might...that is how powerful that feeling is! I seriously still thought I didn’t want to be here anymore. Old thoughts of “I should have died instead of Ed” resurfaced. I was questioning why God didn’t see it that way! Why am I here? It just isn’t working for me. What would it be like if that semi coming at me up ahead crossed the line? I would be ok with that. Crazy thoughts, that at the end of the day...I really would never want my family to hurt like that. At some point, I decided to try to rein in those thoughts...which is where, when looking back on the day, the ripple effect on the pond reflected back to this point. And I saw. I thought about turning off the background radio and just listening for the voice of Jesus. But that is not what I did. Instead, I turned the radio up. About a mile or so down the road, a song came on the radio that I had heard many times. You know those songs? The songs that on one certain day, exactly when you need it, you actually and fully hear it? It is called “Commission” by Cain
This is not the first time that God has pointed out He has a purpose and a plan for me. But He knows I am like a teenager and I have to be told repeatedly to “stop leaving the lights on” or “clean your room” or “put the dishes away”. More than once... more than ten times... I can’t even count the times that He has shown me in so many ways that He has a plan specific to me! Why is it SO easy to hear the enemy and believe what he says and forget the “good and perfect” gift? (James 1:17)
That song clung to me. But the song that followed was also so good...a good confirmation to the previous song. “Hymn of Heaven” By Phil Wickham
And then... “Perfectly Loved” by Rachael Lampa & TobyMac played. Oh my, the Lord was on a mission with me!
I share that progression in its entirety with you so you can see how Jesus came to me in my despair. And it doesn’t end there. I sat in my driveway for about a half an hour... sobbing in my car. The tears had finally started to flow again. When I decided moments before to harness my thoughts and turn the radio off to hear from Jesus... well I heard Him... He told me to crank up the radio instead and listen to Him. And He was there. Jehovah Shammah.
Before I had left to take my son to work, I had messaged my Bible study group that I might not be there later that night. I wasn’t sure I was up to it emotionally and I had to figure out if I could do it. I didn’t really want to go. I wanted to collapse on my bed and shut the world out. It was easier. I very briefly explained some of that to them. One of the ladies privately messaged me and asked me how she could pray for me and she encouraged me...
“Just remember you are good enough.”
I hadn’t told her I was feeling that way.
Moments later another friend within our group messaged this...
“I was actually praying for you and thought, ‘What lie is she believing? Show her Lord.”
More ripples.
I have been believing that lie for a very long time. At least since the death of my hubby... but maybe longer. Clearly I deal with it on an almost every day basis now. In those thirty-six hours...I was definitely dealing with my inadequacies. Looking at myself with human eyes... not godly eyes. Again, why is it that we somehow find it easier to believe the lies of the enemy than the Truths of God? Especially during times of grief, loss and trauma? I would guess it's because of an apple that was once eaten so many years ago.
Satan is a crafty little devil. An expert in the art of deception and negative thoughts. He stands at the fork in the road enticing me to come his way without me even realizing what he is doing! He knows that I all too easily don’t think about what I am thinking about...his lie just snakes its way into my head and I suddenly find myself walking a dark path. It isn’t until I find myself in this dank, dark tunnel that is strewn with entrails matted together like dreadlocks that I realize that I have fallen for the trap. Satan lies to us every day about who we are and who God is. We just don’t always see it. Especially if there is a particular lie that we have believed for SO LONG. It becomes “normal.”
BUT... take heart... the word of God is profitable to us!
“All Scripture is inspired by God and beneficial for teaching, for rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man or woman of God may be fully capable, equipped for every good work.” II Timothy 3:16-17
Recently, I did my hair differently. I scrunched it. My little granddaughter just walked up to me and said, “You have crazy hair and it looks like you didn’t even brush it today.” (Laughter) Obviously, this is no big deal to me. But what if I believed that? It could spiral into anything like, “My hair is the worst.” “I am ugly.” “No one will ever like me, especially when I wear my hair this way.” That escalated quickly. And every day that I would tell myself these things... eventually, I would believe it. It would affect where I go and what I do. But the Truth is... God craves my beauty (Psalm 45:11) and furthermore...
“Your adornment must not be merely the external—braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or putting on apparel; but it should be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” I Peter 3:3-4
God’s Truth outweighs ALL lies. Just because someone says something to you, doesn’t make it true. Even if that someone is Satan or YOU saying it. His Truth trumps everything and everyone. I merely need to go on a quick journey through the Bible and look for it. His Truth is always worth the search.
So am I going to believe God’s Truth or Satan’s lie? I have a choice. So do you.
I knew I needed to go to group. I needed them...the hands and feet of Jesus. There would only be three of us attending that night. Where two or three are gathered... (Matthew 18:20) He will definitely be there! I got back in the car and headed north. Of course, Jesus was not finished with me yet. I got there before anyone else and I picked a space and parked. And worshiped. The last song to come on the radio before the other two ladies arrived was “Gratitude” by Brandon Lake. That song gets me. Every. Time. That day was no different. I just can’t help but worship. I raise my hands... I want to stand and dance, (hard to do in a car) but I do sing it from the “lion inside of those lungs”.
"The Spirit of God has made me, And the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4
As the song ended and another started, one friend drove in and parked on one side of me. As we were walking in, our other friend arrived and I could see that she had parked on the other side of me. I didn’t once think anything out of the ordinary about it. We spent the evening talking and sharing hurts and goodness and words of wisdom with one another. Greater still...imparting words of Truth into one another. I know I walked away from that evening feeling lighter because two women were there to help me carry the load that had been beating me down in the valley. The valley of the shadow. The notch.
It wasn’t until the next day when I was reflecting on His goodness, that I thought about the cars and their placement. I had pulled into a spot. One friend came up and parked on the left side and the other friend pulled into the spot on my right. This is a HUGE parking lot... there were closer spots available... they could have parked anywhere. But they didn’t. They positioned themselves, one on each side of me. There was absolutely no intention behind it. They just parked. It reminds me of Moses.
Ripple... ripple... ripple! Ripple!!!
“And Moses’ hands were heavy. So they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. So his hands were steady until the sun set. And Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.” Exodus 17:12-13
Oh Jesus. He sent me Aaron, “the mountain of strength” and Hur, “the noble, freedom”. I’m not sure who was who...they can duke that out. But they were there flanking me. Situated just right to protect and help. I know there were others in our group that weren’t there but were praying for me...they are a part of the army fighting for victory. It was just a powerful strengthening impression that Holy Spirit rested on me. And I loved it.
I don’t walk alone.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will also help you, I will also uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
I am perfectly loved.
“The Lord appeared to him long ago, saying, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you out with kindness.’” Jeremiah 31:3
I am enough.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;” I Peter 2:9 & “Not that we are adequate in ourselves so as to consider anything as having come from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God,” II Corinthians 3:5
TRAILBLAZING:
What lie(s) are you believing right now? Search out some Truths in God’s Word that address the
lie(s) you are listening to. Here is a bakers dozen to get all my favorite subscribers started!
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