Grace. Resilience. Intention. Tenacity.
“Finding Grit for the Journey”
Grace
“Unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification. A virtue coming from God. Mercy. Disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. A temporary exemption: Reprieve.” (Merriam-Webster)
Grace is a beautiful word, that in and of itself is beauty when it falls off the lips. It became something much more important to me in my grief than I ever imagined. Some of the best advice I was given when my mama died was from my pastor. He told me that people will say things that will hurt but they don’t mean to harm. They may have no idea of the ache I feel. They don’t know what to say and then words spill out. I certainly had a few people unintentionally say some hurtful things. I had a choice to either lash out or extend grace. Thanks to that advice, grace became a bigger part of my character.
“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.” - Edwin Hubbell Chapin
What about grace from others? My family and friends have extended grace over and over. Repeat. It has taken me a long time to get through the worst pains of my huge loss. Actually, I’m not sure there will ever be a “through it”... more of grace in the midst… still. My kids needed me. I tried to be a listening ear and offer what I could, but my capacity was so low that I could not function well. My bucket was empty… and had a hole in the bottom. I know they were grieving too. I was so fogged that I could not always see clearly. My hope is that grace will continue through to forgiveness. That is what grace is. Unmerited. I’ve been working hard to improve my vision on this recently. Finding courage to do hard is like looking for a needle in a haystack. But it is there. I am grateful to them for their grace, mercy, and continued patience.
God has ALWAYS been merciful. Giving much more grace than I deserve. I have been spared, likely, way more than I realize. He provides goodness. He covers me, a widow, and He loves me deeply and infinitely. He is my Husband now, and because of this amazing grace of His, I have no choice but to let it ripple through me and ebb out into others. None of us can earn it, nor do we deserve it. It is grace.
“The Lord appeared to him long ago, saying, ' I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you out with kindness. I will build you again and you will be rebuilt…’” Jeremiah 31:3-4a (NASB)
I read this in The Forgiveness Journal by Lysa TerKeurst:
“When I wrongly think my ability to forgive others rises and falls on all my own efforts – mustered-up grit, conjured maturity, bossed-around resistance, and gentle feelings that feel real one moment and fake the next – I’ll never be able to authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me. In reality, my ability to forgive others rises and falls on this: leaning into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me,” Ephesians 4:7 (Pg. XI)
When life is hard.
Grace.
“Come Thou Fount” by Celtic Worship
Resilience
“The capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. An ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. Capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture.” (Merriam-Webster)
An example of compressive stress would be a ping-pong ball. Under stress, it breaks and has a new shape. It reduces its volume.
Have you ever played ping-pong and slammed so hard it dented the ball? Have you tried using that ball after it was dented? It didn’t work so well, did it? Ping-pong balls are fairly cheap so I never tried to get the dent out of them… I just tossed them in the trash. But, you know what? Their volume can be recovered by one thing… applying heat.
In grief, resilience is a daily action. We experience so many emotions… pain, anger, blame, guilt, etc.. Resilience is when you are able to keep functioning through each of those emotions and more. Grief is intense and it is vital we get intense (heat) about our healing. Relying on God is foremost. But also, our tribe will support and encourage us with hope and help us to embrace our “new normal.” All my life, I haven’t been a fan of change. I like to know what is happening and when. In the cob-webbed past, Ed would call me from work to tell me that someone had called in sick and he had to work late. Many times, this messed up family plans. I remember being upset…even angry. I didn’t like the change of plans. Now, here I am in the midst of the biggest change of my life! I have grown through the years. I feel like God used those times to help prepare me for now. Yes, the biggest change ever. Yes, all the emotions. But, I find myself able to recover more quickly from situations than I did years ago. I’m not saying this is a quick recovery… I am still in it. Maybe it is less of a recovery and more of a perceptive way that I’m able to acclimate to my emotions while healing. Remembering where God has brought me through in the past can help me in the now.
Finding ways to relax and take care of yourself daily is necessary. No, you’re not being selfish… no matter what anyone says. It literally may keep you alive. Pray, do yoga, eat healthy, (stress can wreak havoc on your joints. Inflammation can be very destructive.) get plenty of sleep! Go to the lake or grab a good book (Bible) and soak in a bubble bath or take a hike… whatever is best for you… do it! There is no right or wrong way in healing. Before you realize it, you will begin to notice that you do indeed, have resilience… without even knowing it. Trust me.
C.S. Lewis writes this in A Grief Observed:
“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to not be a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history, and if I don’t stop writing that history at some quite arbitrary point, there’s no reason why I should ever stop. There is something new to be chronicled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I’ve already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn’t a circular trench. But it isn’t. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn’t repeat.”
Do every bit of your healing with, and for, God.
“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord, [and grief IS hard work] and not for people, knowing that it is from the Lord that you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” - Colossians 3:23-24 (NASB) (Brackets mine)
“Keep On Hoping” by Riley Clemmons
Intention
“What one intends to do or bring about. A determination to act in a certain way: Resolve. A process or manner of healing of incised (a margin that is deeply and sharply notched) wounds.” (Merriam-Webster)
When Ed was hospitalized for the last time, when we still had hope but it was clouded, I sat my youngest down one night and told him. “If this goes south, counseling is non-negotiable.” I guess I said it that way because I could not yet say “If your dad dies…” I just couldn’t accept the unimaginable. But he did die. Following through on my “non-negotiable” was needed. We had to be intentional in our healing.
Through our counseling, there continued to be intentionality. We had to go. We had to do the work. One of the best practical things we did was looking for Truths… God’s Truth. Truths to combat the lies of the enemy! I had to be intentional about so many things: thinking through scenarios, spending quality time with my son, going to the river to sit by the water, and many hours journaling. Our healing depended on it. Being intentional was vital.
Even now, I keep pushing myself intentionally through goal setting, which has helped a lot! I’ve gone from the simple, “I need to make this phone call to the lawyer by next Tuesday” to finishing books I started (bad habit…hahaha), to memorizing Scripture (I have a HARD time memorizing!), to stepping out in faith with my writing. So many goals and so many more to go… there are always more goals! I recently read a book from Craig Groeschel called, Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life. It has helped me to see things differently… though I’m human and probably should read it about 100 more times! Here is a quote from the introduction:
“Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts. What we think shapes who we are. With God’s help, you can transform your mind. You can stop believing the lies that hold you back. You can end the vicious cycle of thoughts that are destructive to you and others. You can allow God to renew your mind by saturating you with his unchanging truth. You can let his thoughts become your thoughts.”
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.” Isaiah 43:1b-2 (NASB)
That is God being intentional with us!
And in Proverbs, here is some wisdom in our being intentional:
“The plan of the diligent certainly lead to advantage, But everyone who is in a hurry certainly comes to poverty.” Proverbs 21:5 (NASB)
God does not want us to remain stuck. In His timing for each of us, He wants us to plan and be diligent. He calls us to learn to be different. His desire is for us to give every part of ourselves to Him so that we can dance His dance through every day left for us to walk on this earth.
Give a listen to Micah Tyler’s brief story and his song, “Different.”
Tenacity
The quality or state of…
“Not easily pulled apart. Persistent in maintaining, adhering to, or seeking something valued or desired.” (Merriam-Webster)
I’m reminded of a time when I was a kid. We had a taffy pull at our house. A sticky situation! Seriously though, that stuff just stretched and stretched. It’s hard to pull apart. It’s persistent. And delicious.
Like being intentional, it also takes tenacity to keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep myself adhered to the One who loves me most. It takes tenacity through the long haul. And let’s flip that a moment… He has been even more tenacious towards me! He has given me words like, “Sustain” or, “It wasn’t you, it was me.” He has met me in the light and sat with me in the dark, He has kept after me to keep stepping and doing and meeting goals, He has opened doors for me to walk through and when I was paralyzed, He carried me over the threshold… He has cared for me like no other. It is in His constant, that my broken, unsteady, wavering, inconsistent heart has increasingly gained constancy. He has modeled faithfulness to this weary soul… a faithfulness that I can only hope to reciprocate continually throughout my coming days.
Doing all the “things” that keep me stepping closer to Him is tenacity. Remember Pilgrim in The Pilgrim’s Progress? He carried a heavy pack on his back and met so many obstacles along the way. Things that bogged him down; wrong paths, flattery, testing… BUT… he kept trekking:
“With each step, the water grew shallower until at least the pilgrims were standing on dry ground. Their outer clothes fell from their shoulders, and the two angels who had brought them to the river stepped forward and said, ‘We have been sent to help pilgrims whom the Prince has saved. Come, we will take you to the gate.’... Then the gates closed behind them, and they knew they were safely home at last.”
Pilgrim did not give up. It was a choice. He humbled himself and pushed forward through all the muck. I have plenty of muck to waylay me too. I am also determined to remain faithful. He made it to the gate. I plan to as well.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is unsearchable.” Isaiah 40:28 (NASB)
Also, Romans 12:2 (NASB)
“He Will Hold Me Fast” by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Wrapping Up
To wrap things up, grace, resilience, intention, and tenacity are not the only things we need for the journey. These are some of the things that others have said they have noticed in me or things that I have gradually noticed. The list is endless. It takes so much to work through such a ginormous loss. We could look at any one of the Fruits of the Spirit and find that it takes all of those too. The most important thing is to passionately and truly listen for the Holy Spirit to teach and guide. A counselor and a godly trusted friend can help us balance and sometimes see things that we have not seen due to our “widow’s fog.” Also, I know it is hard for some of us during this time to find gratitude, at least it has been a huge struggle for me. But that is a writing for another day. I will, however, leave you with this song, “Gratitude” by Brandon Lake. Part of grace, resilience, intention, and tenacity is the fact that God gives them to all of us. It is up to us what we do with them.
TRAILBLAZING:
Make some “Truth” cards! You can make as many or as few as you want/need to. I currently have about 70! I have them on a little ring so that I can add or subtract as needed! I refer to these often… but I probably should refer to them much more frequently!
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