Please listen to this song by NEEDTOBREATHE first.
As of this original writing, it was the 329th day of twenty twenty-three. I was driving to a friend's house… just enjoying the sunshine and the joy of seeing this friend and her family. The radio had been playing Christmas music but a song came on that I didn't really care for so I navigated back to my usual station. Another mile down the road and the first notes of a newly released song began playing as they announced the title, “Fall On Me.” My initial thought before there were any words that came through the speakers was, “Oh… I am gonna like this song.” I did. Completely. So many stories played through my mind as I drove. My very next thought was that I needed to write about the song… and all the things playing on repeat in my mind. The ticker tape kept producing more and more information and memories until I landed on one story in particular that is so very intimate to me that I have never told a single soul until this day.
Resting In his lap
On the 347th day of twenty-eighteen, my hubby came home exhausted from the emotions of the previous hour. Somehow God got him home that day after receiving a call from his doctor on his commute home. I don’t know what drove him home other than Holy Spirit because if it were me, I would’ve collapsed in the middle of the street most likely. Knowing Ed… he knew he had to get home to me as soon as possible. I remember sitting in the sunroom with the white twinkle lights gracing the perimeter of the room when he arrived home. I remember the soft hue in the room. I remember music softly playing. I remember Ed walking into the room looking like the world had crushed him. I remember the sinking feeling I had within me as I gazed into his eyes. I remember getting up and walking to him… holding him in my arms. I remember his words… “It’s cancer.” And there I collapsed onto the floor. I remember him sitting down in his chair leaning over to pick me up and lay my head to rest in his lap. We held tight as we cried together. Our world. Forever changed.
“You will always be
You will always be
The one that I can call
The safest place to fall
For me
You will always be
You will always be
The one that I can call
The safest place to fall
For me
When I can't stand”
Mama
As a little girl, all my future world was waiting ahead for me. I would sit high up in my backyard tree or walk through the pasture into the woods just imagining what the world would bring my way. I had a gazillion dreams in a lifetime of days that He had laid out for me. Before I ever truly knew Jesus and the fact that He would always be there to pick me up, there was another person that I knew without a doubt would always make it all better. My mama.
More times than I could ever count, she was my safest place to fall. I recall one Christmas, I got a new bike. Oooh it was snazzy! It was a 3 speed Schwinn with stingray handle bars with hand brakes and a banana seat… oooh… and a sweet baby blue color! Now the important part of that information is that it was Christmas. Against my mother’s better judgment… (Mom really does know best!) I proceeded to take it for a spin on the snowy and icy driveway. Yes, a true spin. I wiped out. I ruined one of my brakes and I got hurt. My mother, who had every right to be upset with me and tell me, “I told you,” instead, helped me get up and into the house and nursed my “owie.” I learned my lesson and didn’t ride my bike again until the driveway was more than clear of snow and ice!
We were pretty poor when I was growing up. We had some of the cheapest meals you can imagine. I remember eating sweet rice with raisins. A lot. I recall many times eating fried potato cakes for an entire meal. A lot. But on certain Sundays, we would have a treat and have a roast with veggies… and then somehow, leftovers for several days… even after feeding company! Basically we ate whatever happened to be on sale… whenever that was. One very hot summer day, my mama made cornbread and chili. I have no idea why other than there must have been a good sale on the hamburger and other various ingredients. Anyway… I sat down at the table and unintentionally, but promptly, brought my hand down on the side of my steaming chili bowl. The red hot chili spilled all over my bare legs… remember it was summer? The chili scorched my legs and I screamed out in pain. My mama picked me up and helped me outside to sit me on the door stoop. She turned on our well water hose and ran it over my legs for what seemed like for-ever. And then we drove to the hospital. It burned with so much pain. The doctor did all he needed to for my legs and he left us with some parting words that I would have a long recovery ahead and certainly would have scars. I was crushed. I don’t remember how much time passed in my healing… but I do remember my final trip back to the doctor and his shock at how well I had healed. No scars. He attributed it to my mama’s fast action of running the freezing well water over my legs for the longest time. While very true, I'm sure my heavenly Father also had something to do with it!
My mama sacrificed a LOT for me. She went without so that I wouldn’t have to. She worked long second shift hours at a new job so we could keep our home. Her factory where she had worked many years closed sometime after my daddy just up and left us one day. I spent an exorbitant amount of time at our pastors house as a result. One day when I was there, I was in the middle of being reckless while roller skating in the basement. I decided it was a good idea to try to jump over a sharp knife that one of the pastor’s kids slid across the floor in front of me. I slipped when I came down... on the knife. More pain. As always, my mama was not too long in coming… and off we went to the hospital yet again. Over the months, on top of everything else, she helped nurse me back to health through physical therapy… having my cast removed, and the crutches finding a new home.
Every one of these were physical injuries that she helped me through. But there were also many times that she helped to heal my broken heart… when my daddy left ( and oh how hard that must have been for her…I realize that oh so much more now!), when I was betrayed by a friend… when my precious grandpa and grandma went to heaven… when I was scared… when my heart felt so empty… when I found Jesus… she was always there to pick me up. Through all of it… to make it better. She truly was the best.
“You were there to pick me up
And tell me I was good enough
It doesn't matter what I've done
You pull me closer
The highs and lows and in-betweens
You're the one that's there for me
When I hurt and when I bleed
You make it better
You make it better”
The "C" Word
But then one day in December of 2005… I got a call from her. A call that left my heart ripped completely in half. Mama had cancer. Renal Cell Carcinoma… stage 4… with three to six months life expectancy. Oh my… please, God… no. How could this be? She was barely sixty-five! I needed my mom! My kids needed their Grammy! She always picked us up… in any aspect of that word. She was the one who got up at 4:30 every single morning to pray for each one of us by name… our hero. And here she was facing yet another giant. I remember standing in the shower for an hour after that phone call… sobbing… begging God and claiming healing into her. Precious time passed. We finally resolved to make preparations to bring her home with us on April 1st. It was my turn to pick her up and carry her for a while until she met Jesus face to face. On Easter Sunday 2006… the 106th day of the year… she got so sick at church that morning. I knew the end would not be too far off… there would be no healing. Of course I still hoped because… there is ALWAYS hope to be had. About a week before she died, I was helping her into bed and she said, “I have to get ready to go!” I selfishly pleaded, “Oh Mama… please wait till Ed and Rachael get back from Oregon in a few days.” “Ok, I will.” She fell into my arms to rest and she waited.
Around 7am on the 135th day of 2006, Mama met her Savior face to face… the One who truly was there to pick her up all the days of her demanding, yet vibrant, life. This left me here with the biggest loss of my life to that point. Trying to figure it all out and navigate through those days was so very difficult. I was broken. Hurt. Angry. Angry at God for not healing her… for taking her away from me… from all of us. Our prayer warrior! Now who would pray for us? I depleted days in depression. I exhausted so many hours questioning Almighty for this injustice. I asked and asked… and asked some more. The ground at her grave became way too familiar as I sat there day after day. There were never any answers. None. And from that point on… our family had so many hard things happen to us for several years. Utter devastation at times. Ed and I leaned on one another every bit as best we could… ultimately finding our way so deeply moved to the One who would make it better in His time. We held on in the hurt and the bleed. We knew in His eyes we were good enough. We would heal. We would rise again because He will always be the one that we could call… He is truly our safest place to fall.
“When you feel a little lost now
Don't remember who you are now
You can run into my arms
You can fall, you can fall on me
I ain't ever gonna leave you (i ain't ever gonna leave you)
So don't keep another secret (so don't keep another secret)
Oh, your tears aren't a weakness
You can fall, you can fall on me
When you feel a little lost now
Don't remember who you are now
You can run into my arms
You can fall, you can fall on me
I ain't ever gonna leave you
So don't keep another secret
Oh, your tears aren't a weakness
You can fall, you can fall on me”
Surrender... AKA Fall On Me
This brings me to the 119th day of twenty twenty-one. The day that a decision was made to bring my hubby home with Faith Hospice at our side. A day that is plagued with regrets of not fighting enough. A day when we realized he was so very tired and his body was already halting from being worn out. It was also a day that he kept asking if we were home yet… where he wanted to be with the loves of his life. The day my heart was so torn. The day that prequels the 126th day of twenty twenty-one.
As you know, our hearts suffered greatly.
After losing my first best friend (mama) in my life and finding there were no answers, I mostly had no desire to put God on the stand with Ed's death like I did with Mama’s. It felt futile. Nor did I feel like I should or needed to do that. I did have one night in particular, in the last week of his breathing, that I was inconsolable. While sleeping at Ed’s bedside, I had a dream. A dream that left me hovering in a strange experience between dream world and reality. I have never experienced anything like it at any other time in my life. Emotionally, I fell hard. I cried in excruciating, heart-breaking pain for an indeterminable amount of time. Uncontrollable tears. It was an agonizing, intense, unbearable wrestling that if I had to imagine, was not unlike the struggle between Jacob and God. I know, looking back, that was my battle with God to surrender to Him. To willingly come to a point of handing Ed back to Him. My bestest best friend and lover was about to be gone and that was that. I know without a doubt, that is what God asked of me that night. Surrendering Ed and surrendering a soon-to-be widows heart for Him to mold and shape. After several matches of pleading and defending and insisting and tussling in this "dream world", I did relinquish... hard to admit, but not so willingly. I really and truly had no choice because God is God. He helped me to realize that... it took a while... but I did. AND... as promised, He continues to bring beauty from the ash heap as I continue daily in surrender simply and ultimately because I am His.
“You always find the best in me
The diamonds hiding underneath
Every insecurity
That I can't cover
I can leave 'em at the door
You never need me to be more
Than who I am if I am yours
And I am yours now
I am yours now”
Heroes
Through all the falling that I have done in all my years… my Mama was present… and then Ed stepped into my life for thirty-eight years. Both were very safe places to collapse when I needed to. They just were not the ultimate safe. It took me several years to fully realize that God was always, always, always there too. His Spirit rested within my Mama… and was very evident in Ed as well. But Holy Spirit has always been at my side… orchestrating all the happenings… no matter if either of my heroes were next to me or not. Jesus was. He was and is the One that I belong to and can call on in every circumstance of every fleeting moment. The One that reminds me that I am enough. The One that sits down with me, wraps His arms around me, and rests my head in His lap when I cannot find my legs to stand.
Recently, ( the 339th day of 2023) I had the opportunity to speak at the Faith Hospice Memorial Service once again. God is always stretching me whenever an opportunity like this is presented… and that is a blessing to me. (I never thought I would say that…lol) As I prepared in the afternoon, I could feel my anxiety rising. I proceeded to use all my essential oils that I thought might help calm me. Of course, I prayed and tried to put all my mindset together to focus on Him. I had about a half hour drive into where the service was being held. On that drive, my anxiety was still there. Why??? It was frustrating. I couldn’t figure it out, I had done all the “things!”
“Keep being intentional, Mona.”
I quickly turned “Fall On Me” on repeat the rest of the way there. I sang loud… I needed to! I was hoping that I would not strain my vocal cords and not be able to speak, but I was sure that God would handle all the detailed workings of my voice just as He wanted. As I sang this song… repeatedly… and focused on Him being the One that I could call on in "this" very moment… my anxieties fell off. I left the insecurities at the door… and just left Him to expose the diamonds underneath as He saw fit. I knew no matter what happened that very night… He IS the safest place for me to fall. I know He is always by my side and will never leave me. Truly. He is the ultimate safest place. He lovingly reaches out for me and whispers, "Fall on Me."
"You will always be
You will always be
The one that I can call
(I ain't ever gonna leave you)
The safest place to fall
(Oh, your tears aren't a weakness) for me
You will always be (you will always be)
You will always be (you will always be)
The one that I can call
(I ain't ever gonna leave you)
The safest place to fall
(Oh, your tears aren't a weakness) for me
When I can't stand
When I can't stand"
Psalm 91:1-5 NIV
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day.”
TRAILBLAZING
One of our deepest needs is to feel safe… especially when we fall. Remember the “trust game” we played as children? Free falling backwards into someone’s arms that we trusted? That is completely what Jesus is like. You know without a doubt, when you can’t stand, He will always hear you when you call and be there for the fall. Take time today to worship Him for being the One that picks you up when you hurt and bleed, when you’re feeling a little lost, and battling every insecurity... and feeling the weight of your great loss.
Also, besides our Savior, who else do you feel most safe with? Who can you call that is the safest place to fall this side of heaven? Life is very short… I encourage you to reach out to that person and thank them for being who they are to you.
Then once again, thank God for placing that person in your life.
Nahum 1:7: NIV
"The Lord is good,
A refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in Him."
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