Of course I did. I signed on the dotted line. I said, “I do.” I loved our life and him so much… at year ten, I signed on the line again… recommitting my love and devotion… my ALL to an amazing man. To have and to hold… for better or worse… for richer, for poorer… in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish… until death do us part.
No Immunity
When we were a young couple preparing for our wedding day, we believed those words. Throughout our marriage… we lived those words. As a young couple, we never thought the “in sickness” part would ever happen to the degree that it did. I think that most people really don’t think about that on their wedding day even though they are saying it! I mean… maybe we thought of it a little as our wedding approached or sometime after we said, “I do.” Perhaps one of us might get a fever or the stomach flu… maybe even acid reflux, or need a gallbladder removed or heal from the wound of a wood arrow in the eye.” Those “minor” types of things… they were kind of thought of. But what if that low grade fever is more than a fever? What if it is cancer? No, we just didn’t think about that happening to us. And the words, “until death do us part”... well eventually that will happen to everyone… at age ninety-seven or something of the sorts. Not at age 56. I didn’t really think about that option… until it hit us in the gut. And it just happened.
Did you think about it? I guess I don’t know why I thought we would be immune to it. Mostly we are not wired to think about dying when we are put here to live. We have dreams and plans and agenda’s to live out! Ed used to use a Franklin Covey Planner religiously. Through the years, we walked through some struggles and difficulties like anyone else and at times found ourselves battling to pay the bills and keep the lights on. Financial hardships come. There is no immunity.
The fragility of life brushed by the hem of my skirt a few times. Other than the obvious one that stares me in the face every morning when I wake now, we also had a couple serious car accidents through the years. WIth the first, my side of the car was hit by a drunk driver… if it weren’t for Ed hesitating at the light… the guy that came flying over the hill running a red light, would have hit the passenger doors in a T-bone fashion. He did hit us… but on the front panel. We had no serious injuries… just a little whiplash. The second bad accident, I was in the car with my 4 youngest. We spun out on the highway doing 65… we slammed right smack dab into a tree on the driver's side. Again… we walked away with whiplash and a new love for life. Accidents happen. There is no immunity.
The huge losses I had in my life as a young person (under 40) were my grandparents. These grandparents played a huge part in helping to raise me. I was very close to them. I lost my grandpa when I was a junior in highschool… he was just shy of his 82nd birthday. Several years later, I lost my grandma. She was 87. In my mind… though I truly knew better… that was how it was supposed to happen and I figured that was just how it would go as Ed and I walked through life. I really didn’t have another model to follow. Most people I knew that died were older. Ed and I had plans to do just that… retire and grow old together.
When I lost my own mother at the young age of 65… I was 41. I was left in shock for a very long time. I just couldn’t believe she had died so young. It was the beast named cancer. After all I went through to come out on the other side of her death… and it was a LOT… I still never once thought of having to live through that nightmare again. I guess in my mind, I thought that certainly I would not have any more major losses in my life. I had had enough! If anything, my own mortality stared back at me when I looked in a mirror. Mama got cancer and died very quickly. Thoughts that I was not immune and that I would likely die before Ed surfaced. I thought that was surely the way things would go for me at some point. Even today, Mama’s age of 65, while years away for me… it stares down the barrel intently at me. Death happens. There is no immunity.
Plot Twists and Bullseyes
Why are we so surprised by death? Well… why was I? Death is all around me. It always happens. Every day. To someone. Multiple someone's. Unless we are raptured… it is an inevitable lot in life. There are approximately 167,000 deaths in the world every day. It will touch all of us in some way. We are not alone in our loss. Was I surprised because I lived my life being naive? Was I in denial? Or was it that I always had hope? I always thought of myself as a realist/pessimist, but maybe I didn’t give myself enough credit at times. Maybe I had more optimism and hope in my life than I ever realized? For a WCS person (worst case scenario)… it is strange that I didn’t think more about death.
My story wasn’t supposed to go this way… or so I thought. I had an agenda. But somewhere along the line, someone picked up that Franklin planner, shifted it and sifted it. Crossed things out. Whited them out. Turned it over and shook out all the inside notes. And then wrote new plot twists in. But He, He was not caught off guard like I was. He knew. Psalm 139.
I listen to the Bethel Church App regularly. A couple weeks ago, I listened to a sermon by Bill Johnson entitled “Thriving in Captivity.” That sermon really grabbed a hold of me. He was preaching on Jeremiah 29:11 and was sharing about the captivity that the Israelites found themselves in. The whole sermon was great but this really caught me…:
“Sometimes we find ourselves in less than ideal circumstances that we’re forced to live in. It is not what we have been promised. It is not what we anticipated. It isn’t what we prayed for. It falls short of what we ache for and hunger for… AND YET… it is our God ordained season for whatever reason. And in that season we are supposed to do the things we are supposed to do. Look above and beyond your circumstances that normally would cut your vision in half. What you have going on inside of you, living conscious of a Father that delights in you and has extraordinary plans for you that should make you able to redefine the nature of this captive season you’re in. You’re gonna spend your lifetime where you are… adjust.”
Yikes!
Bullseye.
But God.
God in His wisdom chose this life for me. Scribbled up planner and all.
Smoky Mountains
Two years ago, our family spent a week in the Smoky Mountains. One glorious entire eight days. We plan to return again next year… finally! Ed and I always wanted to retire in Tennessee… it was on our agenda… our plan A written in the planner. But… plot twist. On this trip, we did a little hiking. I love to hike but I haven't done it as much as I want to but it is a work in progress! Anyway… my favorite short hike last time was just some random hike on a trail called, “Quiet Walkway.” Winding through the woods, past a very old cemetery to the ultimate reward of the banks of the West Prong Little Pigeon River. So simple but so much refreshment and beauty. It was peaceful, quiet and it was just our family there. This particular vacation put a longing in me that I wish I had felt years before. The Appalachian Trail. Oh how I wish that it had been a part of our younger years. Hiking this trail with the man that I adored would have been simply amazing. There is a percentage of me that wants to conquer the trail and be a “2000-miler”... but then my common sense kicks in. I can’t just wake up one day and say I’m gonna go hike the A.T.! It takes prep work… and plenty of it.
With my very limited knowledge of the hikers task, I will try to explain it. The actual trail is 2,190 miles long if you hike thru. It takes on average five to seven months to complete. It stretches all the way from Georgia to Maine passing through 14 states. To accomplish this, the hikers need to hike 8-10 miles a day or more, gradually increasing and gaining their “trail legs.” Some hikers start in the north and head south. Some do the opposite and others are known as “Flip-floppers”... starting in the middle and then returning by way of transportation and then completing the remainder the opposite direction. There are others that strive to attain the status of a “2000-miler” by actually completing the trail over several years. Hmmm… perhaps I could do that?
The following excerpt was taken from the Appalachian Trail Conservancy:
“Hiking the entire A.T. is a grueling and demanding endeavor. It requires great physical and mental stamina and determination. The terrain is mountainous for its entire length, with an elevation gain and loss equivalent to hiking Mt. Everest from sea level and back 16 times. The treadway in many places is rocky or filled with roots or mud. Maine, and sometimes other states, requires fording of streams that can be hazardous after heavy rains. Sections that could be described as flat or smooth seldom last long. ‘No rain, no pain, no Maine’ has become an apt mantra. Those who are physically fit may have an edge, especially in the beginning, but ultimately completing the A.T. is more of a mental challenge. The A.T. has been hiked by people ranging from age five to 86 and by hikers with a wide range of disabilities.”
Sounds like life in general.
Along the trail, hikers will likely encounter black bears, mice, snakes, and ticks. I have watched several videos of a few adventurous and inspiring hikers. I saw some of their overnight shelters. They are little more than open air log shelters with 3 walls, a raised floor, and a roof. The open air privies are similar… they do have closing doors… but don’t expect much privacy… or toilet paper! Hikers are obviously out in the elements… the rain… cold and snow… humidity and heat. There are waters to cross with no bridges. There is the convenience of a ferry to cross the Kennebec River… and by ferry… I mean a canoe. There are trail resupply stations along the way, as well as restaurants and motels if a hiker is needing some hardy sustenance, a hot shower, and a restock of supplies. I like the idea of this! There are currently more than 20,000 people on the 2000-miler list since that list was started in 1937.
The Next Step, and the Next Step, and the Next Step…
So why am I sharing all of this? I like research, what can I say? I am now stuck watching more youtube videos because it fascinates me. If you want a taste of the hikers that I am currently watching, here and here ya go. But watch out… they are addictive. All the training they go through and all the obstacles that have to be conquered prior to and along the way require. G.R.I.T. If you wanna read about G.R.I.T., check this out.
The hikers… as prepared as they must be to the commitment that they have made to be a 2000-miler, know that is what they signed up for… they will have their plans re-written along the way. Anything can and will happen to change the trail plan that they have carefully prepared for. Leaving loved ones is mentally challenging… and being mentally prepared is a huge part of success. There are storms to race… high wind storms with rain or snow or fog, all of which can leave the jagged, rocky, root laden and muddy terrain a hazard. The Kennebec river rises 2-4’ without any warning. Unfortunately, sometimes there are suspicious people on the trail causing trouble with people or defacing rocks. There are wildlife challenges such as Goshawks attacking when a hiker gets too close to their territory that houses nests. There are mice in the shelters looking for salt (you or your belongings) to lick. A hiker needs to cover a certain amount of miles per day with projected stops… but like “Bricks” says,
“It’s good to have a plan, but it’s also good to have contingencies.”
Like Bricks, I didn’t have the foresight of all the hazards… or joys for that matter that were ahead of me. If hikers want to stand out and be a part of the 20,000 that went before them and see their name on the 2000-miler list… they have to pull up their bootstraps, carry on and not stop, stay, or give up. They have to choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other doing the next thing and the next thing and the next thing pursuing the next river… the next mountain… the next climb up the rocks… and even the next plateau. Like Gideon. He was exhausted and yet he pursued. Me too. On a lot of days.
So what do I want more? Do I want to be on my own 2000-miler list, surrender my agenda and admit whole-heartedly and unreservedly that I did indeed sign up for “this” or do I just want to keep kicking and screaming like a toddler? Honestly… some days I envy toddlers! But future me wants to continually look back and say,
“I am completely satisfied with absolutely no regrets… I, perhaps a little starry-eyed head over heels in love, innocently, but knowingly and very willingly signed on the line… to have and to hold the love of my life… for better or worse… for richer, for poorer… in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish… until death do us part. And it did. I would sign again... even with all I know... because it was a great love. I still miss him every moment of every day, but my 2000-miler status is only a step away.”
TRAILBLAZING:
Get a hiking app (I use AllTrails and NPS) and try some hiking. The apps tell you a lot about the trail whether it is easy, moderate, or hard. It tells the miles, elevation gain, average time to complete and also gives a brief description of what you will encounter on the trail. Being out in nature can be greatly healing as we learn to navigate through all the plot twists that we encounter on this journey. If you aren’t able to hike… maybe find your own spot near the quiet water… a creek, gentle flowing river, or maybe even a lake. Spend some quiet time with the One who is acquainted with ALL our ways and ordained ALL our days.
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