Longings and Faith
Why am I longing so much? I feel like I am caught in the in-between. Moving forward and looking back. It is completely hard to not look back so much... and no wonder Lot’s wife became a pillar of salt! She had the beautiful mountains before her... but she remembered that her city behind her was once as beautiful and bountiful as Eden. (Genesis 13:10) Her longing was split! Can I long for two places at once? Does that make me a fence walker? A pillar of salt? (Side note: A good read is Don't Look Back by Christine Caine)
This morning as I drove into work, I watched in my side view mirror. I saw only the corn field lined road behind me. The sun shone so pleasantly on the path I had traveled. There was such peace about it all. There was a pull to keep my eyes focused on its beauty. But the call to look forward was so strong... necessary even. I know I can’t get to where I am going if I am not looking forward. And if I am not looking forward, I am not prepared for the obstacles that lie ahead. Looking back for a time is important though, because without what is behind... the history... the remembrance of how He has cared for me... there would be no forward. So much was enticing about what I saw in the mirror. It was a beautiful picture to hold onto.
A Series of Events
Earlier in the week, I was driving back from my daughters home. It is about a 2 hour drive. I used to always talk to Ed on our trips... we did our best talking in the car! It was hard when I no longer had him by my side. After several “longing” trips, I finally decided moving forward I would take my traveling time to worship my Lord. On this particular day, when I started out driving... I had a lot of emotional release that flooded out - to and about Ed...aching and missing his help and companionship. I was looking back and beginning to slip into a not so good place. Again. But then this song came on and I transitioned my mind into rebuking Satan and my heart turned to worshiping God. Out loud. In the car. All the way home. We had a healing time that left me mostly ready to do battle again.
Back to today...
While at work, I jumped back and forth doing several different things that needed done (because restlessness plagues me lately). I honestly think it is a ploy that Satan is trying to use against me... I just keep rebuking him. Repeatedly! Towards the end of the day, I also felt like writing and words flowed. Finally.
And then…
I had something divine happen in counseling. We were talking about things that pertained to the first two paragraphs above. And then we prayed.
A little back story that I have mentioned before...
I had a vision probably about a year ago that had me sitting on the top of a mountain. There was a swinging bridge inviting me to cross it. But all I could originally see was an abyss below and mist or fog covering the other side of the bridge. I never wanted to cross it because I kind of liked where I was already. Then during another prayer time when I was facing more changes on the horizon, I could faintly pick out some mountain peaks across the way. Jesus was near me… on my side, yet inviting me to cross the swinging contraption before me. But, again, I did not really care to leave. Crossing that bridge seemed dangerous and full of even more fears. I had provision right near me... a backpack and a shade tree… I would be fine for a while and it was comfortable in this place. So I sat for a while.
In thinking about my morning drive...
... and several days and weeks prior... I have found myself going back and forth. Going forward... looking back.... forward... back. And sometimes I wonder if this is the way that it will always be? I have a longing within me to look forward and move forward because He spurs me on. And I know He has plans for me… plans for me to see and experience. But I also feel such a pull to try to go back. And when I say “back,” there is no way to return to the way things were… but the longing is there… so basically that would mean to fall in a heap on the floor and perhaps require a little white jacket that fastens in the back. I LOVED my life “before”. It was a beautiful sight to behold. But for how long can I sustain this “teeter-totter” kind of activity? It is exhausting!
So today...
when we prayed in counseling... God showed me more. Somewhere along the line, without even realizing it, I had actually stepped onto the bridge. I saw myself very close to the other side. Before me, all was clear and it was beautiful! I saw mountain after mountain! I heard the ripple of water nearby and in the distance, my eyes beheld the crashing of a waterfall into a glistening pool of water. The most vibrant rainbow that ever graced my eyes, spread across the deep cerulean sky. Glorious floral and artistry abounded. The air was so fresh and restorative. I saw Jesus lounging under a palm tree oasis… just waiting for me! I stood there on the bridge and took it all in. But I was looking for something I couldn’t find and I turned around... quite possibly to walk back like so many times before. Longing to grasp that which was ungraspable. I could not see him back there... or anywhere. Hesitation and sadness pulled at me.
After prayer, we were talking together about what we had seen and felt, and then we prayed some more. Again, I gazed intently at the premium view before me. Jesus was still there under the palm tree. Waiting. Still. Gazing into and through me. My eyes browsed left to right investigating the landscape. Almost like a nervousness was invading my heart. Almost every fiber within me wanted my darn foot to lift and move forward though. At that moment, I saw someone else standing by the water. Not under the same palm tree as Jesus... but nearby there nonetheless. Ed. Of course he is there! He is not behind on the other side of the swinging contraption. He is with Jesus! My heart smiled with gratitude. Strangely though, I still couldn’t move off that bridge. I was frozen in place, but I know I was moments from picking up my foot to move forward. Again.
I tell you that vision to give you hope and to build my own faith...
I recently talked with a friend about building faith. I do struggle with trust... as evidenced by both “who’s” I saw across the bridge and yet my foot still hesitated to lift. Building faith doesn’t just happen overnight. Faith happens over time... probably about 1% at a time! Brick by brick. Faith requires holding on. Faith is walking without our sight. Faith is choosing over fear(s). Faith is what it takes to live my life without him at my side. Faith is walking with G.R.I.T. (Grace. Resilience. Intentionality. Tenacity.) Faith is trusting Jesus all the way across the swinging bridge to the step on solid ground and the walk of those few steps to the gentleness resting underneath the palm. At least that has been my encounter. I mean, it has taken me over a year to even think about traversing that swinging bridge. But because I have actively continued to rain faith drops into my well over this passing of time... it has continued to make my well of faith even deeper.
I started out and couldn’t even see Jesus’ face. I felt His presence. The mist and fog hid everything. Yet I remained faithful. I got stuck... repeatedly... in all the longings of the past that could only be a precious memory. I camped out on the “safe” side of the mountain. I have also trusted that, “You are stronger than you think” really meant that I was. Because of him AND Him! I have had faith that even though there was no way there could be purpose TO this pain that there has been some semblance of purpose IN and THROUGH this pain. I had faith that a glimmer of “hope lanterns” here and there would light my way. I have had faith to hold on “just a little bit longer” every time my feet do hit the floor in the dawning of every day.
Which brings me to...
Being intentional is not easy! All my “looking back longing” can become toxic and get in the way of filling my well of faith. So this is where I need to take those deep longings that have contributed to the well at times and switcheroo them into a different type of longing as I do try to figure out how to lift my foot and actually step off the bridge and onto that side of the mountain. I need to be intentional about the movement of my foot. Because unless I am intentional about taking that step, I may easily draw it back when I feel the yank to do so. Everything I do from this point forward should be done with intentionality. As a forward moving Christian that moves with intentionality... my longings should be eternally focused.
What is longing? In the Bible it often equates to hunger and thirst. What do Christians hunger, thirst, and long for?
All the below passages are found in Psalm 119
- Significance in Christ - (Vs. 73: "Your hands made me and fashioned me.")
- Righteousness - (Vs. 40: "I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness." )
- Peace - (Vs. 165: "Those who love Your law have great peace.")
- His Word - (Vs. 103 "How sweet are Your words to my taste! Sweeter than honey.")
- Filled with Holy Spirit - (Vs. 169: "Give me understanding according to Your word.")
- Overflow of Jesus - (Vs. 32: "For You will enlarge my heart.")
- Strength - (Vs. 28: "Strengthen me according to Your word.")
- Rescue - (Vs. 114: "You are my hiding place and my shield.")
- Wisdom - (Vs. 130: "The unfolding of Your words, gives light, it gives understanding.")
- Safety - (Vs. 117: "Sustain me so that I may be safe.")
- Mercy - (Vs. 156: "Great are Your mercies, Lord.")
- Help others to know Him - (Vs. 46: "I will also speak of Your testimonies before kings.")
- Second Coming - (Vs. 81: "My soul languishes for Your salvation. I wait for Your Word")
- Heaven - (Vs. 89: "Forever, Lord, Your word stands in heaven.")
AND SO MANY MORE!
Like a cup of refreshing water drawn from the well... are all of these (and more) eternal longings that Jesus has me draw from the very same well of all my previous longings that built my faith. Because it is a part of me. He has taken one longing, piece by piece and turned it into longings for Him. The well is deep... and filled with countless lessons of faith throughout all my 29 (winky face…ok… maybe several more than that) years… but every one of the faith droplet lessons spring up into eternal life! He waits eagerly and patiently for me underneath His palm tree. I have confidence that I will take that step off the bridge one day.
Why? Because…
The Israelites longed for a home. And it was so.
Abraham and Sarai longed for a child. And it was so.
Joseph longed to be released from prison. And it was so.
Job longed to stop suffering. And it was so.
David longed to be king. And it was so.
Naomi & Ruth longed for provision. And it was so.
Jacob longed for forgiveness from Esau. And it was so.
The blind, the crippled, and the bleeding longed for healing. And it was so.
Jesus longed for the cup to be removed from Him. And it was not.
For you.
For me.
Long for Him.
Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
He is the tree of life. He is the faith in the rain that grows the tree and fills my well of faith.
TRAILBLAZING:
When you are feeling those longings extra heavy, it is okay to look in the rearview mirror for a time. But while you are looking, be intentional and fill your well with faith drops along the way. You know the ones... the ones that involve the Word. (John 1:1) Avert your eyes to forward before too long... because those are the longings that should overtake your heart and lead you into His Kingdom.
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