A.K.A.... “Thank God for growth, huh?”
In October of 2022, I wrote the following:
“I have found myself in a funk this week. A funk that is in the caboose of a train. Feeling derailed, depressed, and defeated. It is interesting that last week at my Bible study, I asked for prayer with some huge decisions that I felt I needed to get on top of. And yet I have done nothing about any of them this week. In fact, I will go so far to say that the fervor that I felt last week, jumped track and went on a train in the opposite direction!
I journal every night... just a quick jot about my day. Mostly I do this so I can remember what I did or felt throughout the week so I have an answer for my counselor when she asks how my week was. Widow fog is a real thing... even after seventeen months. I will say that some days the fog seems better, but other days I cannot even remember if I took my probiotic. You know the one that sits right next to my almond milk that I also drink every day. Anyway… always at the bottom of my journaling page, I write a number from 1 to 10. It is a scale I have used since my hubby died to determine how well I have felt each day. Ten is really great... I have never had a “10” day since hubby went to Heaven... and a "1" is the absolute worst day ever. This week? I have, so far, had three “2” days in a row. Funk indeed. Despite three tough days in a row... I am currently still standing. Well, kinda. Standing because I refuse to collapse right now. Yes, I feel slightly depressed and defeated and even derailed...but God.”
Fast Forward...
That is all I wrote that day. It is now June of 2023 that I have found this gem buried in the archives…or rather, abyss of files on my computer. No joke.
A lot has happened since I wrote those words. I started this blog. I started volunteering at Faith Hospice as a receptionist in the Bereavement Center. And just recently, I had the privilege to speak at the Annual Butterfly Memorial Service that Faith Hospice has for all the loved ones that walked this earth but changed address within the last year. All of these things have contributed even more to my growth. I won’t say that I haven’t had other “caboose” days, because I have. Grief is like that. We can be moving along basically fine (relative) and then all of the sudden we find ourselves at a whole different train station.
“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history....There is something new to be chronicled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I have already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn’t a circular trench. But it isn’t. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn’t repeat.” -C.S. Lewis
The reason that I felt led to write about this today is mostly because of the number day that I was having back in October. You know, all those “2” days? If we took a look through all my quick daily journals, we would find that I probably average around a “5-6” for the most part right now. My most common number is a “7”...I guess I consider that an average day with some goodness thrown in. (If these numbers don't work... I never once claimed to be a mathematician!) If you had asked me about “10” days two years ago, or one year ago… or even a month ago, I would have told you that there was no way that I would ever put a “10” in my journal. Why? Because a “10” day could only mean that Ed was here by my side again. And we all know that is impossible on this side of heaven.
Now I’m gonna back up a little...
In April, my counselor asked me to speak at the Butterfly Memorial Service in June. There would be a large audience. I have done some on-stage things in my past but never anything to the degree that this service would be. Could I do it? I have been trying to say yes to God as He is placing various tasks in front of me. I just don't ever want to miss out on where He is leading me. And I have really been trying to hear Him and then follow through in loving obedience. So. I said yes.
“What have I done?” came to mind as time went on. But I had said yes, so I sat down and began to write. I had one paragraph come to mind about the "comma" that I had been placed at. I also knew that I wanted to talk about sustaining and also letting the people know that they are stronger than they think. From there, I sat on things for a time and I just asked God to lead me. He did. Then all the words flowed. Let me tell you how good God was to me. I found out the program was to be held at a church that I am familiar with through a Bible study group. Hallelujah! And I have an “in” with one of the caretakers. She was able to let me come and practice so that I could visualize the audience. God prepared me so much for this… so much. Probably even longer than I have realized!
This brings me to the day. Within the hour of leaving for the service. I had decided to read a little devotional on fearing others. That hit me. I am the type of person that wants other people to like me. But what and who do I love more? People? God? The proper order is:
“‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ Upon these two commandments hang the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:37-40
What could I possibly love more than the approval of God? I knew He had called me to speak. I also knew that He had given me the exact words that I needed to share. There is nothing that I could want more than love and praise and approval from my Father. And then another miracle, the devo mentioned Matthew 25:23:
“His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant…”
I had already written that verse in the very last sentence of my speech! I don’t know why it continues to astound me when these things happen… I guess because miracles are just that, miraculous!
I knew right then and there, I wanted to completely turn it over to God. I had already been doing this… but I think I was letting the “people” part come before the “God” part. I humbled my heart before Him in prayer. Prayer for myself to see only Him and prayer for the people to also see only Him… to be ministered to by God… the lover of their broken hearts.
Oh goodness!
It has taken me a long time to get back around to where I left off! When I got home that night after the speech, I was journaling everything that took place from the two hours before the service till that very moment. When it came time to write down my number, I somewhat mindlessly wrote a “9” because it was a great night and everything had gone so well. God had used me to minister to others. But then I paused, and thought about what, or rather who, would make it a “10”. Ed. And you know what, I thought about how I wrote words that were his words in my speech… and I thought about the influence he had on me when he was living… and still does… and I also thought about how I felt him at the service that night. So in some way, he was there. I made a notation in my journal and slowly penned a “10” on the bottom corner of the page. A day that I never thought I would see, came to fruition. Hallelujah! And I give all the honor due to the Re-Maker of this chaotic heart.
Let's take a minute and look at the three words I used back in October and contrast them with some good antonyms that I hunted down! Why? To show that in the blink of an eye, without my awareness, God turned the tide.
Depressed: Low in spirits: Sad; Vertically flattened.
Defeated: To win victory over; Frustrate; Destruction.
Derailed: To cause to run off the rails; To obstruct the progress of: Frustrate; To upset the stability or composure of.
Flourishing: Marked by vigorous and healthy growth; very active and successful.
Triumphant: Victorious, Conquering; Rejoicing for or celebrating victory; Notably successful.
Forward: Strongly Inclined: Ready; Moving, tending, or leading toward a position in front; To or toward what is ahead or in front.
First of all…
I want to say how much I love the last part of the definition for depressed. “Vertically flattened.” That about sums it up, doesn’t it?
Secondly,
I recently watched a fantastic movie starring Dennis Quaid, called, On A Wing and A Prayer. It is based on a true story about a man named Doug White who has been struggling to understand God’s purpose in the midst of pain. He has lost his dad, uncle, and most recently, his brother. Struggling greatly with, “Why would He let this happen?” Doug is flying home from his brother’s funeral on Easter Sunday in a King Air 200 jet with only his family and the pilot. A bit into the flight, the pilot has a massive heart attack… which leaves Dennis Quaid’s character to try to figure out how to fly the plane…which is very different from planes that he has had time in before. A talented ensemble of air traffic controllers and an “on the ground” experienced pilot help him through the nerve-wracking scenario. It is this one experienced pilot, Jesse, that he has never met… that Doug has to trust to help him land the plane. Doug cries out to God, “Oh God, God help me.” His wife assures him, “We have been through bigger challenges than this, we can make it.” Jesse replies to Doug, “Sometimes you gotta trust in things you can’t see.” When it comes time to land, Jesse tells Doug, “Let it go, Doug. Let go.” Once again, in desperation, Doug cries out, “Please, God, help me protect my family.” To which the words from Jesse are reiterated, “Let go, Doug. Let go.” They land… and Doug leans over and prays to God, “I doubted you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.” Lastly, Doug’s “angel brother” just appears in the cockpit and reminds him of a story of when they were younger and he had told Doug to let go… but he didn’t and he ended up putting his dad’s truck in the lake. His brother chuckles and says, “Thank God for growth, huh?” Laughter ensues.
I tell that story because I look at how I felt last October and where I am now. We do need to trust in Who and what we can’t see and sometimes we have to just “let go.” Oh I don’t mean let go of our person…that would be impossible. But I mean let go of ALL the collateral damage that causes the depression, defeat and derailment… relinquish (literally put your hands in the air here) all to God. Every moment of every day. Eventually before we know it… those “D” words will turn into flourishing, triumphant and forward…and you too, can say, “Thank God for growth, huh?” Maybe even eventually you, too, may have a “10” day.
TRAILBLAZING:
John 10:3: Listen for His voice, He calls you by name and He will lead you.
I Peter 1:3-9: Did you know that your faith is greater than gold? Here Peter tells the people that though they have not seen Him, they love Him... and though they do not see him now, they believe in Him and are filled with inexpressible joy.
Take a few minutes, close your eyes, and think about where you are on the scale. Are you closer to the 3 “D’s”, or at the opposite end flourishing, triumphant and moving forward? OR maybe you are somewhere in the middle? Either way... there should be growth taking place. I know while I had a “10” day… mostly, those are rare. But whichever place either of us are in, I believe it is beneficial to our spiritual eyes to let go, trust, raise our praise and relinquish ALL to God. Daily.
Think of at least one thing or area that you can grow in and take some practical steps to make it happen. And don't forget to thank God for the growth!
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